Now that Sibi has finished high school and is looking forward to enter the next phase of his life, I think it is high time for me to re-publish what I wrote about the day he was born - just like a sentimental father would. The only change I did is to add pictures to it. So here it is.
May 10, 2002
Its hard to forget this day for a variety of reasons. In
fact I found a piece of myself on that day. I also found a few feelings which I thought I may
never experience. Although I decided to write about it, I went through a lot of
thoughts before I actually decided to do it. I even felt it will show a softer side of me. But
I decided to write about it anyway. This is going to be a bit lengthy as I am planning
to put whatever I went through that day.
It kind of feels like a dream. A wonderful dream for me. I
try to re-live that one day so many times in the past 6 months and it is still not possible
for me to do it. But I will try to put in writing all the things I went through that one
day.
The due date for Sibi was May 23,2002. So we had no idea
that he will try to see his papa and mama so quick. I remember May 9 as well.
Actually on May 8th we got into the hospital after Jeysri
had some false pains.We got home that day thinking that Sibi is not gonna be out for
another week or two. I came home at around 9-9.30 pm after an office dinner. And
Jeysri was all alone and was watching TV I guess. We were talking for some time and
went to bed. Around midnight, Jeysri, got up telling that the water has broken
down.
I got up and dressed and we started for the hospital. Our doctor, Dr. Kalpana Savla, told us to check into the hospital as soon as the water broke down. So we decided
to go to the hospital immediately.
But she was not feeling any pain and so we took
our own sweet time to get to hospital. Being such a ready-pop I am, I didn't had
any gas in my car and so had to search for a Chevron which is open. Finally put gas and
reached hospital. Since we were there only the day before, they recognized us
immediately and put us in a labor room. After looking at those monitors they decided
that the baby is gonna be born that day and put us in the labor/delivery room.
The hospital we went to was the Family birth & New born
center in the Citrus Valley Medical Center, Queen of the Valley Campus in West Covina.
This is definitely one of the best hospitals in the area. Like all the best run
private hospitals, this is also run by some Catholic institution.
The doctor advised us to keep walking all night and she will
check back around 6am. So we started walking on the corridor. We met one of our
Lamaze mates while walking on the corridor. She also had her water broke and
had no pain. She was walking with her mother. I was wondering where her husband
is. So we walked and walked and I got tired.
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| Midnight Walking.. |
Then we came back
to the labor room and called home. Everyone got nervous once we said we are already in
the hospital. But it was fun. Poor me..I didn't know what is gonna hit me that day.
Around 5am, I started sleeping. Jeysri woke me up by 6am.
The nurse was there. They wanted to induce the labor by giving Pitocin. Jeysri said
she don't want any pain killers. So the countdown began. The bad thing about inducing pain is that it is not natural.
We were expecting a normal birth all along we didn't even think of the possibility of
inducing pain et al. The pains were sharp and short-spanned. There was no gradual increase
as taught in the Lamaze.
It was crazy.
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| Tired..in the labor room |
First 30 minutes was like confusion. I don't really
understand what is going on except that she is experiencing some pain. All I learnt in the
child-birth classes went blank and I almost panicked. Then I realized the pain she is feeling
and I was trying to cheer her up. I tried to talk about other things and how good it is
going to be once the baby is born and how much our lives are going to change and so on.
But I don't remember what I was talking. I just had her hand in mine and was
praying all the time in my mind.
7am. The nurse came in and said there is not much dilation.
Which is a bit disappointing after walking the whole night and going
through all the pain inducement. But it was just one hour into this thing.
9am. Again no dilation. But the pain was becoming too sharp
and Jeysri was finding it harder and harder to hold on. So we decided to have some
painkillers. So that is another syringe of fluid into the body. Once injected of the
medicine, Jeysri went into a kind of delirious state.
All my life I have felt that I can
handle any situation.But when I watched her talking in her delirious state and screaming
when the pain hits, that is the most singular moment is my life when I felt helpless. So
helpless, I almost hate myself for being there without having a way of sharing the pain.
All I could do was to wait and tell her some soft words and hope that she dont feel
that bad when the pain hits next.
Looking back, its kind of hard to imagine for me to think of
all the emotions I went through. It was a combination of all the known emotions of
the mankind. I cannot think of another day like that either. It was the most
emotionally intense I have ever felt. Probably I may never experience that feeling again. It
is like the slow movements of the most exquisite music which causes as much agony as
joy.
Around 12.30pm , doctor came and since there was no
progress, decided to do a C-section. Now, I have read a lot about C-section, how it is done ,the
implications and the absolute safety of it. But at that moment, when the
doctor told me that it is C-section, I cannot bring myself to agree to that. But I signed some
paper they showed before me and was almost on the verge of tears.
Now, Jeysri
is almost in trance as the IV was removed. The nurse botched the removal of the IV and
it resulted in blood being tripping from hand. I was so incensed. Luckily, Dr Wu
came in and saw that and gave an earful to the nurse and fixed Jeysri's hand.
Korah and Raja came when all these were going on. They heard
about the us being in hospital and felt it necessary to came see us. Jeysri talked
to them about the morning and some other stuff.
But as soon as we went behind the
curtain, I broke down. It was too much to hold my emotions at that point. I desperately
wanted someone to talk to. And when I found Korah and Raja, I felt like I found someone
to share what I felt till that time. They tried to cheer me up but they had no idea
what Jeysri went through and how hard it is to watch the whole thing. Somehow I managed
to pull myself together.
They reminded me that I haven't eaten anything from the day
before and offered to bring me lunch.
When I came back into the room, they were planning to move
Jeysri into the operating theater. I felt better after releasing a bit of my emotions
but still the uncertainty of what will happen loomed over me.
I signed a few more sheets of
paper. I have no idea what they were. I was just asked to and I signed. I told the
doctor I wanted to be in the operation room. Doc agreed and asked me to wait outside and
that they will call me.
When we got admitted into the hospital, we agreed to donate
the umbilical cord which in turn can be used in treatment for certain diseases
in children and adults. Although I didn't had much of an idea about the umbilical
cord and its uses, we decided to do it anyway, if that is going to help some kid
somewhere.
Well, back to the narrative, as I was sitting outside the
operation theater waiting for the doctor to call me in, there was this female who was
waiting besides me carrying a tray(or bowl). She is the one from the lab to collect the umbilical cord. She was from Philippines. We were talking about our experiences in
America and she was trying to make me cheerful. I was really, what you say, depressed. I
wanted to speak desperately to someone. And she was telling me about her experiences and
how simple C-sections are. Huh, what does she know!.
Then, the nurse called us in. I only remember the name of
the nurse as Mary. She said she is from Kerala. Anyway I went in.
Its like seeing a million lines of some alien programming
code for me. I cannot understand what is going on. There was Dr Savla with some
instrument in hand and another big guy standing opposite to her, assisting her. I
sat next to Dr. Wu, the anesthetist, looking at what looked to me like some space
ship controls. Actually he was administering anesthesia.
Its the classic fear of the unknown. I don't really know
what is going on. Although the doctor explained to me prior to the operation, I had no idea
that it will look like this. I tried talking to Jeysri but she was, at best,
semi-conscious.
I dared once to look above the curtain which separated
Jeysri's face and the rest of her body. I saw Dr. Savla standing there in her gloves full of
blood, reminding me of Kali doing her spiritual dance. I still cannot forget that
imagery. I had no problem about it but the picture of it is struck in my mind.
Those are really anxious moments for me. No body told me
this is going to be this way. No body told me this is going to be this intense and I
will need all my energy to sustain those minutes and hours. I was simply thrown there
in the middle of it, without having any idea of how much it is going to change our
relationship and how much it is going to change me. In retrospect, I can never forget this
one day, not only because my son was born that day, but because it made our relationship
stronger than ever.
It was 2.45pm. There I heard that sound. Familiar to me,
from the countless number of Tamil movies. The sound of a newborn. I thanked all the
Gods. And the nurse gave the infant to me. I cannot make anything out of him. He is MY
son. It was the moment of realization and celebration. I never felt so much happiness in my life.
Then the nurse showed it to Jeysri(who by the way has a very vague memory
of it!). Then they bathed the infant and put on the drops and everything. And Sibi was
off to nursery. I was standing there not knowing what to do. Jeysri is still
semi-conscious and I was told that she will be moved to the room outside in a few
minutes.
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| First picture of Sibi |
Then I was told that they will bring her to the post-partum
room for her recovery and I can be with her after that. But now, I have to wait outside.
So I went out and promptly fell asleep in the lobby couch.
Korah and Raja wake me up with the lunch from KFC. It was
good to talk to someone after such a long day. I enjoyed my twister. I never told
them how much I owe them for what they did that day (and ofcourse, all the days
preceding to that). This is something which cannot be repaid in money and I will always
owe them. They are really my great friends. Then I called up my parents to give
them the good news.
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| Family picture.. |
Oh yeah, I had a digital camera, camcorder and all sorts of
gear to record every moment of it in memory. But since I was so preoccupied with
myself and Jeysri, I didn't use them once between 6am and 3pm. Think the first
snap of Sibi was in the nursery, after I took Korah and Raja to show them the baby.
There she was. My darling wife. Awake and tired. We talked
for a moment and she slept after that.
I went home to pick some stuff.
It is indeed a great feeling to have a kid. I enjoy every
moment I spend with Sibi these days. He is so full of energy and is already showing the
traits of his papa and mama. Till the day we brought Sibi home, it never dawned on me
that our lives have changed for good. It was indeed an unique experience. Probably we
experience it once or twice.
Next time, at least I know what to expect. So it may not be
this intense for me. But I should write a word about my wife here. Knowing that
she has gone through all these pain and medications, just so that we may have a baby
has really made me love her more than ever. I am sure that any woman who is willing
to go through such an experience, should be acting on the basis of her love and
that really shows how much she loves me also.
We spent about 9 months looking after each other culminating
in that big day of our life, 10.May.2002. It is, undoubtedly, the best day of my
life.
I may not have experienced all these first-hand, had we been
in India. My parents and her parents would have been there to share it. But I think
it is fortunate that we went through this all-alone and came out of it, loving each other
more than ever. I could never thank the Gods enough for that.
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